What you have and what you want
by CJknowsall
Summary: Shoujouai. Rei loves Minako, but she knows Minako would never love her. So she keeps it inside, but she can't forever. Is going for what she wants worth losing what she has? find out
1. 1 Nice

Warning: Shojou-ai, the paring is Rei/Minako, eventually, hopefully. If you don't like that kind of story, leave now, while you still can! It is totally AU and probably a little OOC. Read and review, please gives puppy dog eyes

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon, any of its characters, or anything at all for that matter. I do own this story however, but it's my life.

_Read….. read….. don't look at Minako….. just read. _

All the girls were in their normal study group at Rei's house. Ami was trying her best to make the supposedly inconceivable topic of math easier for Usagi, and was failing. Makoto was pretending to do her work but was too busy laughing at Usagi's attempts at learning. Minako was leaning over her math work. She was doing a better job at pretending to work, but when she brushed her hair behind her ear, it was apparent that she found humor in Usagi's antics as well.

As for Rei… well, Rei never studied in the study groups. No, the time spent with Minako in her presence was far too precious for studying. She had a crush on Minako. She had for a while. At first she just ignored it and thought it would go away like every other crush she has had. But this didn't go away, it got stronger. And now it was all she thought about. Minako was beautiful, caring, loving, smart (when she wanted to be), and to Rei, she was everything she could ever want, but could never have.

Suddenly a pen came flying from across the room and landed in Rei's lap.

"Forget it! I'm just gunna fail, and that's it!" Usagi yelled after throwing her pen in fury.

"Don't worry, you'll get it, the stuff on the test is never as hard as the homework." Makoto tried to console her.

"Try not to worry so hard, meatball head, you become dangerous." Rei says as she throws the pen back. She then goes back to staring at Minako. She's stunned when Minako's attention shifts towards her. Rei almost turns away quickly as a reflex but then Minako lips the word "Nice" to her in response to the pen and then smiles. Rei smiles back and practically melts inside. Anytime Minako says anything to her she melts. That smile. Those eyes. That voice. She wanted so badly to tell Minako what she felt, but she knew Minako didn't feel the same way. Every day she thought of telling her, and every day she thought of some response that Minako would give that would ruin things between them. She would never do anything to compromise their friendship, even if it meant hiding her own feelings.

"Ugh, we're not getting anything done here! Can't we just watch tv?" Usagi said, trying to find any excuse not to study.

"You know, it's kinda late, I think I'm gunna start for home." Makoto said while packing up her things.

"I think I'll accompany you." Ami said as she too packed up her things.

"Don't leave me here!" Usagi said as she already somehow had her stuff in her bag and was waiting at the door.

"Alright. You coming Minako?" Makoto looked towards Minako as she was getting up.

"No, I think I'll stay here with Rei for a little bit, of course, if that's ok with you Rei?" Minako said.

Rei's heart jumped into her throat. "Um, sure, that's fine."

Authors notes: This is my first fic. This chapter is short, but it's just the beginning and the rest should be longer. Please read and review because although the story is clear in my head, I'm not exactly a writer and I need feedback so that those who read my story can understand it. I'm kinda having trouble figuring out how to word it all. All of it will be from Rei's point of view, but some things just have to be said by a narrator, so I get confused, lol. Yeah, I'm stupid. "It is true I do not speak as well as I think, but that is true of most people, as far as I can tell." Ok, that's it for now.


	2. 2 Coming Out

What You Have and What You Want: Chapter 2: Coming out

Disclaimer: Me own nothing, me make no money.

'.' thoughts

"." spoken words

"Um, sure, that's fine." 'oh…my….god….. just be cool Rei, she's your friend. Yeah you love her, but she doesn't know that. All you'll ever be is her friend, so don't say anything to ruin that.' Rei thought to herself.

Rei was sitting with her back against her bed and her knees in her chest. Once the other girls left, Minako got up and walked to where Rei was and sat down next to her, also with her knees in her chest. Rei silently thought she was mocking the way she was sitting and smiled to herself.

"What's so funny?" Minako inquired

Rei's face went red, 'crap, she saw that' "Oh, nothing."

Minako raised an eyebrow at Rei, but let the subject drop. "So, how's life?"

'quick, think of something smart' "I can't complain." 'yes I can, I just won't cause it won't get me anywhere.' Rei thought and said. "How 'bout you?"

"Actually, I've got some issues I've been dealing with, and I just wanted to tell you, cause you're my friend." Minako said.

Rei knew exactly what was coming. Minako was about to tell her she was gay. Rei just knew that was coming. Rei had known that Minako liked girls for a while but Minako never specifically told her. But Rei wasn't filled with joy. She didn't get a feeling that she might have a chance with the goddess of love. She felt that Minako was telling her this because she wanted to come out to her friends, not because Minako liked her, cause she knew that would never happen. So she prepared herself to say something that wouldn't be lying, but also wouldn't be the whole truth. She wanted Minako to know that she accepted her, but she would never let her know that she loved her.

"What is it Minako?" 'I might as well play dumb'

"Well, I want you to know that I'm not as boy crazy as I seem; I'm actually more into girls, if you know what I mean." Minako said with an expecting look on her face.

"Oh, that's what you wanted to tell me? I already knew that." Rei said

"You did? How did you find out? Or am I just crazy thinking I've been hiding it so good this whole time?" Minako laughed. She seemed to be letting out a lot of unneeded stress.

"Ha, you hid it well. But remember, I'm like a freakin' psychic. I could sense it." Rei said.

Minako started to crack up, "Wow, so this whole time I've been trying to hide it and you knew? Ha…. So you're ok with it?"

"Yeah, of course. I mean, I don't see you as 'gay Minako', I just see Minako. And besides, anyone would be crazy to overlook what an incredible person you are just because of your sexuality." 'oh my god, I hope I didn't say too much there.'

Minako grew a huge grin and wrapped her arms around Rei's neck in a hug, "Thank you, Rei."

When Minako let go, Rei tried to hide the blush developing on her face. "No problem." Rei said with a smile.

"Well, thanks for talking with me, but I should get home, it is kinda late. I'll see you later then?" Minako asked.

"Yeah, of course."

Minako smiled at her and waved as she left. Once she was gone, Rei let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. 'How am I going to keep this inside? I know she'd never love me the way I love her. I can't tell her. If I do, I know she would never hate me and she wouldn't refuse to talk to me again, she's just too sweet for that, but the most I could hope for would be an awkwardness between us every time we meet, and I don't want that. I'm content with the relationship we have now…..for now. I don't know how long I can take it,' Rei thought.

Authors Notes: Sorry it's been a little while since I've updated, but I've been busy, and I havn't felt like writing, and we all know that if we write when we don't feel like it, the result it crap. I want to thank all my reviewers, I had no idea that I'd get suck positive feedback. I was expecting something like, "This is crap, keep your day job." lol. So I want to thank mysticamethyst87, Shiori Kaiou, Wind goddess Haruka, knightsky4, and Fade9wayz; I really appreciate the reviews you guys!


	3. 3 Sunglasses

**A/N: So, after receiving a review pretty much 2 years after I started this story, I feel kinda guilty for not finishing it, so, I think I'll do that. Now, there is a dilemma, this story was originally meant to reflect events in my own life, but, since its been two years, well, lets say the end to this story has happened, and its not good… so, I can write what **_**really**_** happened, or what **_**should**_** happen… I'm tempted to just write what should happen, let me know… and on with the story!**

* * *

It was about a month after Minako had come out to Rei and she still hadn't come out to the others. Rei didn't know what to think about this. Why would Minako tell her but not the others? Maybe the time was right to tell her but she couldn't find a right time for the others. Maybe she found it easy to tell her because she felt she could predict her reaction, but not so much with the others. Maybe Minako actually did like her and was just waiting for her to make the first move…. No, that couldn't be it. At any rate, this was making Rei really antsy. She didn't mind keeping a secret from the others, but why did it have to be THIS secret?

It was the summer, and it was the weekend. All the girls were taking in the nice weather and were hanging out at the park. It was the perfect day. The sun was high in the sky. Only a few clouds spotted the sea of blue. There was a light breeze playing with the treetops. All was quaint and content. Ami and Makoto were playing catch with a Frisbee. It soon turned into a game of 'monkey in the middle' or 'keep-away' as Usagi tried to join the game.

Ami throws it to Makoto.

"Come on guys!"

Makoto throws it back to Ami.

"I wanna play too!"

Ami throws it back to Makoto.

"This isn't fair!"

As that was going on, Rei and Minako sat idly next to a tree. Rei loved hanging out on sunny days with the girls. She loved sunny days because that gave her an excuse to wear sunglasses. She wasn't much into fashion, but when she wore her sunglasses, no one could see her eyes, which meant no one could read her. She could watch who or what she wanted without having to worry about quickly averting her gaze. And this meant, that while she appeared to be looking at the comical game that was going on in front of her, she was actually taking in the sight of the goddess next to her. To her, that sight was too good to pass up. Rei hated this power Minako had over her. All Minako had to do was be present and Rei's focus was shattered. Rei couldn't help but ponder what Minako would think if she were aware of this power she had over her. Would she avoid Rei because she knew how much she affected her? Or would she use it to her advantage to get what she wants? No, not Minako.

As Rei wondered, she almost didn't notice Minako getting up next to her. Rei watched as Minako walked over to the princess in distress. At first Rei thought Minako might join the game and make it that much harder for Usagi to get the Frisbee. But to Rei's surprise, Minako seemed to have rescued Usagi. Minako didn't say anything to Makoto or Ami, instead, she just walked up to Usagi and seemed to ask her a favor. Rei was too far away to hear. They walked over to a place that was within sight of the others, but not hearing range. Ami and Makoto continued their game as if Minako had silently told them not to follow her. Again, Rei used her 'sunglasses technique' to look at anything but Minako and Usagi, when in reality, their exchange had her full attention. They were sitting down on the grass. Minako's back was more or less facing Rei and Rei could see Usagi's front and, most importantly, her face. They were talking about something. Rei's mind was racing. She wished she had super hearing. She wanted to know what they were saying. Why had Minako wanted to talk to Usagi alone? Was Minako upset? Was she hurt, confused, angry, does she have a problem? Rei wanted to know, and she wanted to be the person Minako told. Rei kept watching closely. She could tell the conversation was deep. And then she saw something that told her exactly what was going on. Minako's head went down and Usagi's eyes went wide. Minako looked afraid. Usagi looked flabbergasted. All of a sudden Usagi tackled Minako in a hug. That's when Usagi's voice started carrying.

"Oh my god Minako! I can't believe you thought we would care about that! Of course I don't care! You're still our Minako!" Usagi squealed.

Rei sighed in relief. There was nothing wrong with Minako. She had just chosen now to come out to another one of her friends. Rei noticed Ami and Makoto walking over to them to see what all the calamity was about. Rei then decided she should get up to. She didn't want to look like she didn't care, even though she knew exactly what was going on.

"What's all this about?" Ami questioned.

"Yeah Usagi, don't kill her, gosh." Makoto joked.

Usagi let go of Minako and looked at her with a reassuring smile. Rei had to smile at this exchange. Rei knew Usagi. Usagi wanted everyone on the same page. Rei knew that Usagi wouldn't be able to keep the secret very long, so she wanted Minako to tell everyone so Usagi wasn't pressured to keep it secret. For all Usagi knew, she was the only one Minako had told.

Minako gave a weak smile to Usagi, acting as if she was still unsure. Then she looked at Rei. Rei was caught off guard. Did Minako want her reassurance before she told Ami and Makoto? Rei did what she always does when Minako looks at her. She smiled. She then nodded her head as if telling Minako it was ok. No one here will think any less of her.

Minako took a deep breath, and then sighed. She then looked up to Ami and Makoto.

"I wanted to tell all you guys separately so that if you had a problem, then you could tell me and not have to worry about hiding how you feel from me. But Usagi seems to think I should have to reason to worry about what you'll think of me. You four are my best friends and I don't want to have to hide anything from you guys."

Rei looked down at this point, feeling bad for hiding something so big from them all for so long.

Minako continued, "I don't want any of you to feel uncomfortable, because I'll still be the same Minako. But, I'll just happen to be this too." She took one final reassuring breath, then glanced at Rei, and continued, "I'm gay, guys."

Ami looked to Makoto, then Makoto looked to Ami. There were no looks of horror or disgust. More like, did we just hear correctly?

"Is that it, Minako?" Ami asked.

Minako nodded and looked up with hope in her eyes.

Makoto let out a huge sigh of relief and started laughing, "Ha! Wow Minako, that's it? You had us scared there for a second. Here I was thinking you were about to say you were pregnant."

They all laughed at that but apparently Usagi felt this to be a good moment to stick up for Minako. "What are you saying?! Of Course Minako isn't pregnant! What do you think she is, some kinda ho?!"

"Usagi, where did you learn that word?" Ami inquired.

"That's not what I was implying!" Makoto defended herself.

The bickering continued as Minako sat quietly watching. She seemed truly happy. Everything was the same.

"See," Rei said, "Anyone would be crazy not to see what an incredible person you are just because you're gay."

Minako looked up and smiled at Rei, "Thanks Rei."

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**A/N- So, I looked back at the first chapter I wrote and I said it would be "completely AU", well, I take that back now... Its going to be pretty close to the sailor moon universe. Its just easier that way, lol. I'm sorry for abandoning this story so long ago. Thanks to Venera22 for making me come back to this story. I never really stopped thinking about the story, but I was never truely inspired to finish until I got that review today. So, I'll finish this one... without the two year wait for updates, I promise. Let me know if this chapter works, I haven't really written anything in the two years I was gone, so... yeah, bound to be rusty. Enjoy.**


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